July, 2014
My
feeling towards Ruchit had always been complex. There are relations better not
described, not for the fact that you are embarrassed about them, but mostly
because words could never do justice towards them. So after all the crap, and I
do mean the word, that had transpired between us; from the events that took in
college, the boil up and eruption on Fartu's marriage eve, his not
wanting to talk for about couple of years , then his finally coming to sense
ironically on the fools day and then foolishness on my part to not invite him
to my engagement and ultimately some shoddy patch up that Duke conjured between
us, Ruchit invited me to his home.
I was surprised to receive his call, Inviting me to his home on
the first Saturday of July to his home for dinner and stay. I was
worried of his intentions though, as at least for me, he never does anything
without reason. His birthday on Sunday was a good reason, but Inviting me to
his house, without listing who else would be there looked fishy.
Nevertheless, I obliged and as usual he came to receive me at the
station. He looked his usual irony marred self with those sarcastic eyes, that
even crime master Gogo would have been proud of to keep. He stayed with his
family in a government quarter with colony a good 10 kms from the station. I
remembered that there was a beach somewhere near his house, about a couple of
miles I guess. So it took us another twenty minutes with his turtle speed
driving to reach his home. After the tea, in his room, I expected him to say
why he wanted me to come. After a wait, which made me nervous as well as bit
curious, I directly asked him.
'Not here bro, not here' He said, just before deflecting and
changing the topic. After dinner, he said lets go to the beach. His mom
cautioned us, but we still went ahead. We chatted about random stuff from Akbar
to Modi, from some Meteorology to his recent admission for PhD, from his funny
antics during our college year to his Pushpak year, the point where he went
serious, and the point where we reached the beach.
It so happened that during those Pushpak years, where he claimed
to not talk with any of us, he ended up having a chat with most of the guys
from the group. Nobody would accept that they had chat with him, but somehow everyone
knew what was going in his life. I had a pretty much good idea that he was gay,
and he knew it and he had accepted it. I also had a hint of doubt that he had
crush on me, people thought it was just another sidekick superhero relation
back then, but now the picture was a bit clear, at least for me. Someone was
dumb enough to let it slip about his attempt to end his life with sip of
baygon, but we just laughed it saying he would rather kill others than take his
life. It grieved me, and I distinctly remember thinking about it on my toilet
seat with my wife inquiring if I was alright and why was I taking so much time.
But the as I told ya, the emotion is like the 'malai' in coconut, you cant
judge from outside and when you try to break open you get water, you cant judge
the malai with coconut water, its like the things we tell to hide our emotions,
like something to protect our real emotions. To tell these emotion, its
difficult.
So here we were, late in the night, on a deserted and silent
beach, without any lights, the sound of wave breaking and insect to keep our
silence intensified, he finally spoke.
'I know lot has transpired, just don't interrupt, let me speak.'
His voice was masked, like he was trying to hide some emotion. swallowing his
spit he continued, ' Our definition of friend has always been different, I'm
not accusing you or something, just listen'.
I urged him to carry on. We had lots and lots of debate on this
friend issue. He always was 'friends are family' and shit. He always expected a
lot more from friends. I had other consideration too. Sometimes you have some
experiences which makes you behave in a certain way. I had taken a lot of bad
decisions, and I'm not proud, but I could never be the friend that you could
always turn to when in need.
'I hope we at least agree that friend comes as a package, you have
to accept his negative aspects along with what you like in him. So what I mean
is that, I dont want you to break our friendship on the basis of what I'm going
to ask you.'
'fair enough.' I said.
He was looking at sea, I was waiting for him to speak, the waves
were now lashing on the shore with more vigor than when we came. He broke the
synchronous wave noise by saying, 'wait here, I'd be back in a minute.'
When he came back, he had a flash light with him. In his other
hand he had a plastic bag, evidently taken out from his Activa dickey. He
placed the flashlight on sand to take out two glasses, a big mouthed thermos
flask. I expected him to pour tea from the flask, but to my surprise, he poured
a few ice cubes in the glasses and then preceded to remove a bottle of whiskey
from the bag.
'I don't think, I could ask you with me sober.' He tried to
explain his actions, and then like most occasion his sharp tongue game me a
shot of hard truth as he added, 'but then again, I dont think you could answer
me honestly being sober yourself.'
I was falling short of words to say to him. I even considered
calling this off. The whole thing was intense, and on the rocks scotch in a
dark breezy night on a beach was magnifying the quantity of all wrong hormones
in my body. After a few pegs, with my mind fuzzy, I could not help myself but
to urge him to be honest with me and ask what all this was for. I was not even
in slightest possible way of what he could ask, but the agony of anticipation
was fueling my apprehension to heights and I wanted this to end.
'Promise me you won't break friendship over this.' he said, giving
his hand for me to hold.
' I won't.' I squeezed his hand.
'Actually, breaking friend ship is secondary.' he chuckled, ' I',
more afraid that you would hit me.'
with a short Nana Patekar laugh, he said ' jus don't create a
scene at my home dude.'
He poured us another peg, gulped down his waited for me to follow him
and when I finished mine. He asked, 'Tiger bro, Melody itni chocolaty kyu
hoti hai?'
