Malki Kafur

After a few failed attempts at getting the correct 'Dominating' partner, bored of the vanilla play, unable to let the so call undeserving top fuck me and unable to get myself erect for romantic fuck; I decided to play master. It didn't happen out of blue, It didn't planned, but what matters is the transition happened.

So it started with searching on Fetlife, a profile as master on Planet Romeo, a new Grinder profile and collection of a dog collar and bone from local dog shop.

Out of the first few potential slaves, only three looked promising. The first session turned to be a no show. In desperation, I invited a Facebook (from the fake profile ofcourse) friend list slave, just after a small chat to my college hostel room. That guy turned out to be a fraud, a smart conman who swindled a substantial amount of money, 18 K to be precise from me. (Its a big story, deserves some attention, but it for some other time)

The confidence shattered and I went into my self created beta cocoon. I started to think I was better of as slave. The loss of 18K made me realise that if I can spend money on some fraud, I can basically spend on myself. Then began my saving for chastity cage.  The search landed me to aliexpress but that required credit card which I did not have, so it fizzled out. After a  wait with no action for over 200 days, I became restless. Some more research and focus helped me manage to get a temporary money card from SBI (for online transfer, something called virtual card) and I ordered my first chastity cage, a fake CB-6000. I kept tracking the order but even after 45 days it seemed stuck, so I tried to enquire, hence came the notice from custom authority about illegal import of sex toys ! The panic I went through will also be a great story, but its not time for that either. The fact that I had given a fake name on address, I happily ignored the notice and shifted my hostel.



Still cageless, deprived of sex, by sex I meant the humiliation the submissive in me was seeking (There was no dearth  of cocks to suck or gasping assholes in my college, but even as I sucked cock, I was playing another script in my mind, the only time I got bit hard was after I flogged a bottom's bottom with plastic shirt hanger, but it subsided the moment I stopped flogging and there was only so much he could take), desperate to seek some relief, wasted my money on a expensive piece of  same plastic cage that was available cheaply on Chinese websites (adultvibes) that eventually broke  in pieces in just one day of use. This is when I found the bootstrapmaster. He was sadist and my sensitive skin and almost unused asshole squirmed at thought of meeting him. But it provided the necessary vent for my otherwise sexually frustrated self. And like the other instances, It is also an awesome story, but for next time. This was followed by a recent session, recent in terms of what this story is about, but a monsoon has passed and so has entire summer before it as I sit to write. The session involved a drug used for high fun, MAMD or MD as its locally known, which I was injected freely on condition of being fully submissive and non reluctant. I ended up licking half a dozen asses and sucking equal number of cock. The detail are thrilling, so is the abstention period that followed it. But this story is not about that either.

This story is about a session which I did as a dom, a session which started with a random hi from a guy with user name as slave on grinder. 

Flow of the Posts

My Life	Play with BDSM	Random
Life's Unfair	Self Engineered Slave	Types of Gays
Added Part 1	Iwwh Bwrt
Added Part 2	Rendezvous at Mumbai
Added Part 3	If Only
Added Part 4
Added Part 5
Added Part 6
Related Part I

Mr. Nobody in search of Somebody by Ruchit Pathak is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 India License.
Based on a work at https://aprexmon.blogspot.in/.

If Only III (Gama) : The Accident

If Only III : The Accident

 Gama

15 October 2009

I was at home when Anil called. He sounded in lot of pain. His message was short and clear. He was met with an accident, hurt his leg, was in hospital and needed my help immediately. I peddled through the late evening traffic, avoiding the major roads to reach the hospital. I asked at reception, searched the entire floor, finally I found him general ward on bed. He handed over me his home key and asked me to bring money from his computer table. Hospital wanted him to deposit money for the X-ray and stuff. His parents wont be able to get there till another couple of hours. It must have taken me another half an hour to collect money from his home. Once I reached the hospital again, I completed all the formalities for admission and he was moved to X-ray room. His parents arrived by the time we came to know about hairline fracture in his left leg. I moved out when he was telling his parents about the fall he had. Next day I tried to visit him but no one answered the door. When I reached home there was message from Anil to call me. 

'Hello.'
'You have keys to my house'. When I did not reply he added, 'I gave them to you yesterday to bring money.'
'Sorry.' I said,'I forgot.'
'Don't apologize asshole, just use them to get in the house.'
'ok ok.' I said before hanging up and paddling to his home.

If Only II : Friendship ?

guys, friendship is serene,

in its absence would life be so green ?

everyone needs a secret keeper,

skeletons in closet are his to revel,

everyone needs a secret keeper.

a friend who would correct your vice,

in rain of grief he would hold umbrella of advice,

mates,  friendship is so serene,

in its absence would life be so green ?

Beta : Friendship

July, 2003.

College was not like what I had dream about. It was not even close to what they showed in movies. The subjects were surreal, lecturers crap and classmates either uptight townies or passive aggressive topper from vernacular schools. The situation at home, meaning my uncles place where I was staying was not better either. Aunt would complain about her being made to cook more food, cousin would behave as if I was trespassing their privacy, Uncle acted as if he was spending all his dime on me. 

I kept myself at college at all time. Attended lectures when they were there, kept myself at library till it closed, walked back to home as slowly as could.

Usually I would be first to class and would occupy the first bench without bothering about who sat beside me, but it so happened one day about a month since the college started, that I was late. So late that lecture had almost started and there were almost no seat left.

Luckily I found Anil who motioned me to come and squeeze with him and other guy he was sharing the bench with. Anil introduced me to Lalit, who belonged to vernacular section of my school. They were discussing about bunking rest of the lecture to play some computer game. I for one, never had played any game on computer and was not in mood to bunk lectures anyway. I tried to concentrate on lecture but given not so perfect vision and fact that I was sitting pretty back in 120 sitter classroom, I could neither see the board clearly, nor hear anything that could enlighten me as to what was actually going on. At the end of lecture the two amigo's pulled me with them out of college. I tried to reason them but they just dragged me to Anil's home. And then began the season of Anil, lalit and I, hanging out in the duplex atop the tallest building in nerul, which was as Anil always described it, 'his folks place'. 

Between three of us, I was out of place, I always knew sooner or latter, I would drop from the group. It took two months, a unit test result, an accepted proposal, more problem back at my home and water park trip for the three musketeer to get reduced to mismatch couple. It did not happen the way I foresaw, I mean who could have. Lalit failed in test, was to use the term he used, 'grounded' by his parents. Anil proposed his crush, she was not sure but was ready to go an a date, they did and the gaming master was now glued to telephone and not computer. This added to Lalit not being much around. Then came the water-kingdom trip. A day before the the trip, Anil finished his usual jibber-jabber with his girlfriend, hanged the phone back onto the wall, standing on the frame of french window that connected balcony and his bedroom, he looked and me and in unusually casual tone commented, " I know why you are not coming."

'sorry?'

'I know why you don't want us to go to water-kingdom.' 

I put down the borrowed copy of Harry Potter and The goblet of fire, looked directly at him and said apologetically, ' you can go. I don't want to come ?'

'waha akale jake kya karu? hilau?' (what should I do alone there ? masturbate?)  

'Half the class in going there. You are not alone'

'So are thousand other people going to come there, but I don't know them either'

'I cannot come.' I repeated.

'I know why !' he said emphatically. Like he was giving some solution.

'And how does you guessing why I do not want to come for the trip helps?' I wondered aloud. I was really having no clue what he thought was the reason for me not coming. I had by now given a dozed different excuses to others for not coming. My lips curled into a one-sided smile anticipating that he might now try to give solution to some imaginary problem I had created for not coming. 

'I will pay for your trip.' He said casually, moving to the grill he  rested his weight on it and with a questioning gaze asked me, 'what do you say?' 

The smile had turned into frown, I knew by now the stress lines on forehead would be visible, I did not know if I was embarrassed by my situation or his preposition, or I was just plainly disappointing at not being able to conceal my situation and maybe just scared of exactly how many people knew this. 

'Thou shalt always stick to one excuse' He said like some actor from some Shakespearean play. Not that I had seen any Shakespearean play, but I always imagined actors in some specific tone and I thought he nailed it. I tried to smile, I guessed I failed.

'You know you have to give some response.' He said, moving the bang of hair back, the breeze kept pushing them to front.' Right ?' He emphasized. 

'I don't know.' I said defensively. It was really a honest reply. I did not know what to say. I did not even know what he was offering. Was he loaning me money ? or was he just paying for me? did he realize that maybe I could not pay him back ever ? or did he have something else in his mind.

'You don't have to pay me back.' 

'aare, you don't have to do such thing.'

'My parents don't care. All I have to do is ask them for money, they won't even ask what its for.'

'I don't know dude.' 

'Just say yes!' He said, eyes twinkling.

'Ok.'

'Now that's like a good boy.' He said with a clap.

'But why ?' I had to ask.


I smiled, when he said, 'What are friends for.'

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If Only Alpha : Introduction

If Only, only if it did not happen the way it did. If only, it was all but just a nightmare. If only, I would wake-up any minute sleeping next to my grandfather eight year old innocent kid who was just visiting his native in summer holidays of third standard. If only...

Alpha : Introduction

July 2003

Author (I, Me, Myself) : Ruchit Pathak, fifteen year old teenager, confused, angry, sad and scared. A typical lower middle class family boy. My parents had no idea what I should do with my future, neither did I. I was not bad at studies, but not great too. After a lot of indecision when my life was all in shambles I took admission in some junior college, which had us wear uniforms. I was to stay with my relatives as my parents could not afford hostel.

Anil : classmate from 10th, I must have barely spoken with him during last five year in school. I only knew that he was from upper class family with working parents. Not at all a spoilt child. He also, for some reason unknown, choose to take admission in same junior college as I.

Dilip : Buddy from my school. A high achiever. Took admission in fancy college on scholarship. Belonged to middle class family but always dreamed about being rich.

Lalit : Marathi medium guy, weak in English. He was fascinated by Harry Potter, was kind of real life Wesley twins.  

Note : Since I realized I am lazy, and if I try to complete my work before posting it online, I might never do it; so, I have decided to let the flow be dynamic, as an when I write, I will post. This chapter will get updated as and when need arises. 

Chapter II (Beta) 

Lifes unfair (Actual Story )

March 2001


The day I masturbated for d first time (in 8th Standard), I did not think about any1

I enjoyed it for just the Pleasure n soothing it gave me.

but as it started to become habit, I was thinking about random Girls

I was scared, thinking I was doing sin

During a casual discussion with friend, the topic of Pleasuring urself came up,

My best buddy started arguing how disgusting and sinful it was to do so,

my heart sank,

I tried to stop myself ,

I did control myself for a week

but one morning found my undies wet n sticky

I had no idea about night fall then, I thought I did that Involuntarily.

My world was crushed, I thought myself as second grade person incapable of self control.

My best buddy became my role model, due to his ability to control himself.

I kept admiring him, following him

friendship turned into some other undefined relation

there was no more equality among us

he was kind of superior n me just to follow him

this was time we had reached end of ninth standard.

----------------------------------------------------

Having Cancer as sun sign and Pisces as moon sign is worst thing a guy can ask for coming to this world. The creative n open minded flair of Cancer is marred by the God fearing nature of Pisces

and the Emotional nature of Cancer is enhanced by the moody n Effeminate body that accompanies Pisces.

I was a cute looking kid who kept his emotions to himself with exceptional outburst when I could take it no longer. The burden of scoring good marks n my incapability 2 stop masturbating was killing me. I never masturbated the usual way, I just touched the crown of my penis with my index finger n massaged it (more lake a clitoris massage). So I never had to use the wash room, I could do it silently on bed without anybody knowing. But my Uncle found out what I was up to every night, He told my dad. I was beaten brutally but I was more embarrassed at myself.

My best buddy came to my house (unlike me he scored decent marks, was handsome looking {not cute} and pretty emotionally intelligent when it comes to dealing with elders). My parents asked him to look after my studies and told him he could hit me if I was not studying. It was decided that i would go to his house every-day after school for studies.

The inferiority criteria that had set in my mind caused me to submit to his dominance. I never opposed when he abused me. This was just d beginning; his lead was followed by others n soon I became a great material for abusing n bullying for time-pass. Instead of fighting them I started imagining my own world, where I was d hero and whoever who tried to oppressing my real life suffering only to be saved bravely (at cost of my life) by me.

-----------------------------------------

What’s the point of life? Why are we here on earth? Do we have some real reason for being here? What are we supposed to do in life? Enjoy it? Do good work? Or are we just here to wash of our previous births sins? Or to do sins for which we’ll have to remorse in next birth?

As days passed by I found sanctum in my world. I forgot the pains of real world abuses. Classmates started to realise the bullying had no effect on me. Many started liking my care free attitude. It was birth of a new Ruchit. I was still shy, isolated, scared boy at heart but my mind was hiding it very efficiently. I started taking stance against people that tried to bully weak. I was successful, my confidence soared up. I found my best buddy back. We started playing again. Going on cycling trips, i was dictating him this time (or at least I thought so). I started liking him, his handsome features, soft body, he was my Hobbes n I was his Calvin.

----------------------------

The influence of moon when u are born is huge. It can make u effeminate, devoid u of playing sports n make u sissy enough to b mocked if not publicly behind ur back at-least.

Around Jan 2003

My life shattered when my buddy said that he did not like me around him. Others were teasing him for being my Boyfriend n he could not joke about it anymore. I never thought about him that way , my mind was always pure , but he left me just days before my SSC exam. I cried a lot , cried for first time. Mom was supportive, I scraped through exam. The result was not par with the standard that i had grown to b but enough for decent college admission. Hobbes took admission in other college , we were separated for good (or for worse).

Junior college was different, the loss of Hobbes had made me unenthusiastic bloke. While the other guys were trying to impress girls I showed no interest in them. I scraped through studies, had shabby attire (bad enough to keep girls away 4m me) and apart from few out of world guys other kept a distance from me.

I did not have a physical liking for girls or even boys. I just masturbated out of habit. It had increased from once a day to twice a day. I still used the massage technique so could do it before getting out of bed and now I could not sleep without masturbating. The hairs on my body increased from scarcely there to creepy jungle enough to cover my chest.

What an irony, I was a sissy boy with hairs enough to be a Macho. Exam went by, I scored very poorly the dream of doing something for good human cause by becoming a doctor went in smoke, and with that evaporated the left self-confidence. I had let my mom down, I could not enter my imaginary sanctum but was saved by the fictional world of harry Potter which helped me get through the depressing patch. I got admission in least sought after branch of engineering in a least sought after College of Mumbai University. The distance of college from home made it hour and half trip one way. A lot tough traveling having to move with rush, thanks to it though that it made me tough. But the main problem was adjusting to engineering with a weak maths. All classmates were new; it was going 2 b afresh beginning...............

----------------------------------------

Aug, 2005

It was my first day in College. I was already tired due to horrifying traveling that I had done to reach college. When I entered the class it was already filled, I knew no1 there. All looked a bit above my standard. I kept moving through the rows. Finally I found a seat vacant beside a guy, I asked him if it were empty and he said I could have that place.

He was wearing faded light blue jeans, brown embroidery polo shirt with denim collar. Hairs split from middle. Smile on face and twinkle in eyes, ‘FISH’ I can b friend with him. The teacher came and lecture started, in 10 minutes or so my eyes started getting heavy, I was unable to control my eyelids. I started shaking my leg to keep concentrating. Tiger put his hand on my legs to stop them. ( though it was not till end of second year I started realising that he was going to b my Tiger [read Hobbes] )

tiger said ‘hila mat’ Dont shake ur leg

I asked “kyu”  Why?

Tiger “pata nahi re, sab log khate hai islia bola”. We both laughed

cos everybody says so

It was tigers B’day, We were eating samosa below our coaching class. I asked him for party. He said “pakka dunga , par abhi nai.”

Sure Why not, but why not ?

“paka maat”  Dont lie

“apne class se kisine wish bhi nai kiya hai, islia tereko pakka dunga.” he said

nobody has wished me , so ur treat is fixed

A month went by, He gave party but I was not invited. It hurt me. I was thinking of gate crashing but sat in empty classroom all by myself. Few other classmates who had not gone 4 party came in. Tiger came to as if searching for something accompanied with Arjun (a nerd with male boobs). My heart skipped a beat. He came searched for his Tiffin box, found it and left.

i tried not to feel sad , but broke down when my other classmate said “mujhe laga tujhe lena aaya, tu party mai gaya kyu nahi?”

Were you not invited?

“ghar jaldi jna hai.” I lied

I need to reach home early

-----------------------------------

Fundamentals of Logic:

1. A friend in need is friend indeed.

Nov 2006

Engineer's life through the semester is one long struggle to complete all his assignments. And on the submission day one of my entire file went missing. ‘Fish’ I thought. I asked the lecturer for some respite but he said he wanted it by 2pm.

I was scared, there was impossible task ahead. I was looking at about 200 pages of writing. I went to front of class wrote on whiteboard “R.P’s file is missing; if u find it Please return”

Somebody said “jus bring the pages n start writing, we’ll help you finish it”

I looked at my wallet, it was empty. I went to Tigers for money, he gave it to me.

When I returned from book store with pages Tiger was nowhere. The other classmates came and started helping me. In an hour i had finished writing probably around just 10 pages. It was 11am already I thought. I was fighting tears, I looked at the others .I got Thumps up sign. All my experiments were complete.

The image of my First year friend bowing in front of me n saying “at your service, sir” would probably never leave me.

Nor will the memory of tiger leaving me when I needed the most.

He did come though when my file was ready to b submitted (and asked me “kuch madat karu?” need some help?) n was with me during submission.

-----------------------

We were five good friends

Fartu, Duke, Scotty, Tiger n I

Jan, 2007

Fartu n Duke were my Travel friends too, n in Mumbai I think these friends matter the most :)

Scotty n tiger stayed on opposite end and were good friend (best, I thought) and Fartu n duke for love of carom were always together.

I was always with one of the couple.......

Our college fest was coming near, we were preparing for Group dance. I am a lousy dancer and very Besuar (rhythemless) singer. I could act a bit, so I took up Play. The dance choreographer was Bailya (limp wrist-ed) n i was teased to death with him. (that time I did not knew that I acted like a sissy boy, and did not paid any heeds to allegations, It was latter when Scotty brought to my notice this but I was with attitude WTF to him and did not pay heeds.)

Play was chucked, Dance won.

We were just in 3rd year and I secured job in a company (Software) through campus.

My friends were not yet placed...

Our movies going, lecture bunking stopped. Whatever I said was looked as if I had attitude of being above them.

I stopped commenting on them for fear of losing them

I started taking interest in playing TT

The interaction time between us was reduced

every thing was falling apart slowly........

----------------------------------

March 2008

I was doing an experiment in Lab; Tiger was standing next to me. I received Electric shock. I fell backwards, Tiger was in way of my fall, but he moved away. I fell with a force on my head. The back hurt like hell. Oh, I was so weak.

I sometimes wonder what other think about me? Should even I bother about others? It’s so confusing? Y do some people get bullied? What do some people get by humiliating others?

I had a good study group. We liked studying in college reading room. The table tennis room was also on same floor. When I got bored, I went 2 play TT.

it was another such day. I was not in mood to study and was playing TT. When I was Tired i came back to reading room. The table on which we were studying was huge one. Around 20 classmates were sitting around it. My chair was vacant. I went to sit on it. As i sat on it, all d other 20 got up and left.

Was this a prank?

I felt very embarrassed; the whole reading room was looking at me for my reaction.

I was so broken.

------------------------------------------------

Calvin and I hav a lot in common, V both hate Susie. Susie’s (read Girls or women) are the reason for most of the big fights that have occurred in history.

The Battle of Troy (I saw it today on WB, u can watch the telecast on Friday also), Mahabharata and to some extend Ramayana (surpnalka and Sita) are a few examples.

April 2008

I thought the whole thing as a prank. And thought it was a stupid reason to break friendship. I started interacting with my friends again.

I was OK (not Fully Happy) but the Susie’s word “Ruchit, kutte ki tarha chate chate aapne paas wapas aa gaya” made me mad (ruchit came back licking like a dog). MayB I should have slapped her then n there, but i did not. That proved to be a big mistake; mayB a fatal one.................

We were at friends house for a night out, it was my first night out. I know it sounds crazy but I never had been to sleep at my friends’ house before. ‘FISH’, I sound a loner.

We were changing into shorts and tee. As if it was decided, Scotty grabbed my pants and shorts and threw them away. And fartu was filming the scene through mobile.

I was broken in tears; I went in bedroom and lied on my belly with head in pillow. This was the news in the class next day............

boy...........

-------------------------------------------

Around Nov 2008

Scotty n Tiger were inseparable frnds. So were duke n I. Gradually I found myself more with Scotty

and Tiger started being with Duke.

I was alone with Scotty, chatting about the boring assignments to do. He seemed uninterested in me.

I asked “watz d matter?”

“Nothing” was his answer.

“Come on u can tell me” I said.

“Promise u won’t tell any1”

“ I promise”

“Duke has taken Tiger away 4m me”

“pagal bigal zalas ka? kai boltoas ? kaltai ka tula?” (hav u gone mad? Wat r u saying?) I was knocked of my wits.

“nahi re, aaj kal tiger majhya sobat pahaialey sarkha nahi rahila” (tigers attitude has changed towards me) he continued

“marun taken mi Duke la, tyani majha Tiger Chinun ghetla” (I will kill duke for this) the killer look which i saw in his eyes will b never forgotten by me..........

i was shocked , how can a guy talk like this about other guy. What r girls for? Did Scotty love tiger? Can they really b gays?

this was d first time i really thought about GAY

i never look at girls like other guys do ! can I b gay too?

Surely NO

how can i B gay ?

my heart was beating fast

i did not sleep for days....

-----------------------------------------

13th Feb 2010

It was 7 months after i started my first job that i was able to save enough money 2 buy a bike. I was pretty excited and wanted to share my happiness with my frndz. ( aakhir khushi, khushi tab hoti hai ; jab vo bati jai.) I called Scotty and Tiger to my home. It was just us 3 at home. Both wanted to drink and i had to give in. I brought a Smirnoff khamba. We drank, watching ‘Natrang’ (Marathi movie with a gay scene). As the alcohol started entering our blood stream and intoxicating our nervous system, Scotty started abusing me verbally that I was pansy. I retaliated a few times but got bored. We were sleeping on bed on our watching movie on laptop. With verbal abuse Scotty started hitting me on my back. I hit back. I was feeling d vodka heat and my head had started to spin. Scotty called me pansy again and this time as i turned a bit to stop the blow hitting my back, he pulled my shorts and undi down. I hastily pulled them back. I did not react.

This time with unrestricted foul language he yanked my shorts down, and did not release them. I hit him to make him let go and pulled them back. Tiger was looking at my ass; he gave a blank stare to me. As if questioning why i was not putting a stop to it.

i did not know why i did not react as i should have. We drowned the last bit of booze and everything was spinning. I could still walk though.

Tiger went to loo and scotty said I did not hav dick.

“will u suck it , if i show u my dick” i asked

“yep” came the reply.

before i could say anything he pulled my dick out and sucked at it as though it was gola.

god it hurted badly.

i pushed him back, we were but he did not let go . we wrestled a bit and got tired. I was having my head on his stomach and his lips were near my Boner. Tiger came back from loo.

“WTF are u doing”

“spanking this pansy’s ass” Scotty replied.

We slept.

10 min or so I was still awake. Tiger was sleeping. I touched Scotty. He rose. I really don’t know what made me do it but I went to other room. Scotty followed. I wanted a blow job but Scotty was hurting my dick. I slapped him hard across cheek.

“Sorry” he said

“r u my slave” I asked

My memory is so strong that I remember things even though I was intoxicated. I really don’t know why I asked him if he was my slave. I really don’t know how the term slave came from my mouth. But all I remember is said those words.

“Yes, I am” he replied

“then y don’t u suck me right?” I asked.

“Tiger will come”

“I’m not leaving u till I come”

few more attempts and I was still not fully erect. And all he did was suck my dick as it was some ice candy.

“I want to piss in ur mouth” I said (I never thought something so dirty or gross before)

“Please don’t”

“are you not my slave?”

no reply.

I don’t know if I tried pissing in his mouth and did not succeed or just did not try pissing at all. All I remember is that I could not fuck his ass with my semi erect dick.

All the frustration, I removed by inserting a pen in his hole.

We went and slept again.

Next morning tiger spotted pubic hair on floor in hall. He enquired, I told him that it were from barber shop below. The hairs are blown in house by the wind.

He also asked what we were doing at night when he came back from loo. All I said I don’t remember a thing. Scotty said same and even maintains his stand even before me that nothing happen and I was just making this up.

-------------------------------

April, 2010

Fundamental of the logic.

2. Idle mind is devils workshop

3. Every action has equal and opposite reaction.

I was thinking what went wrong. Was this the first time I derived pleasure from trying to oppress some1. Was I sadomasochistic? Did I derive pleasure by inflicting pain to others? Or was it receiving pain and abuse that gave me pleasure? Was this the reason for my not standing up to defend myself when other abused me?

Fundamental of the logic.

4. When in doubt; Google it!

I read ‘The Golden Boy’ by ‘Clair Thompson’ it was a good book that explained me that a person is born gay. Like he was born boy, he is born gay. The society, parents and surrounding does not influence one’s orientation. They may be a factor making him shield away his truth from society; make him live life with a mask on his face. Cheat the society to live in it and in turn get cheated himself.

It also explained the pleasure of belonging to someone and making someone belong to you. It also cleared that like there are versatile Gay’s there exist people who can be sadist as well as masochistic. The pain, Humiliation and degradation makes self-esteem low enough to be collared and kept in cage, causes pleasure far greater than just plain sex. I still was not sure about me being gay, leave alone sadist or masochistic. But in this duration I had read lots of stories of bondage, discipline and master/slave relation. I was fighting with myself for what I was. Travelling 4-5 hrs a day gave me lot of time to think about it. And thinking (can say dreaming) is what I did. Apart from that sole encounter with Scotty, I never had any other form of relation with any1. But I was craving for more!

My body was demanding sexual pleasure which I had restrained myself from.

I messaged Scotty ‘Bitch, I need a blow job’

Reply was instant ‘what was that?’

My confidence subsided. I realise he was going to deny everything.

‘Getting desperate dude.... bored too.. wanna meet?’

‘for what’ his reply

‘what are u expecting?’ I said.

‘Nothing’ he text came.

While going home I called him again.

“wassup Bitch?”

“y are u calling me bitch?”

I got bold. “ coz I wanna fuck doggy style”

he started playing with me “ what will I get?” he asked.

“wat u want?”

“How much can u give?”

“How much do u want?”

“How about 25K. He He He He......... what happen reply”

“sure, what all will u do?”

“How are u going to arrange so much money?”

“M working I L&T, u forgot?”

He tensed “ I was just kidding”

“come on yaar” i said. I was too committed to deny anything. “Be a sport”

“u have a golden future ahead, I was really kidding. Think about your family. Unpe kya betagi! You were raised to be an engineer. they must be having so many expectation from you, before doing anything just think about it. Don’t make haste in making decision”

-------------------------------------------

I loved Tiger. Loved him like a brother. The problem with me was not in loving him, but expecting him to love me back. And it never happened. Even then I was happy by being in his presence. But we were working in two different cities. He seldom called me. And I called him only when he did. I did this not due to my ego but I thought he just did not like me. This was the funniest part. I stayed with others because he was with them and he stayed with me because others were around. (If any of my friend read this line they won’t have to read any other thing to know it’s me. This type of sentence is typical R.P.)

Ever alternate week we gathered to meet. I would love to go only if he was there. All my college years I tried to show that I was not so interested in being Tigers sidekick. Scotty was his sidekick, at least I thought so. But I did enjoy his company.

It was Tigers b’day (5th since we met) . I was happy, I called him he sounded happier than ever. I have this bad ability to judge the mood of person on call and most often than not I judge it correctly. I asked him about it, he just said it was his birthday.

I dropped the matter. No point in trying to wrestle out truth if he doesn’t want me to know. I got call from Scotty. He wanted to come for sleepover at my place. I agreed. I was amused by his high spirited voice, agreed it was his best mates Birthday. But it sounded even happier.

I asked him “wazz d matter”

“nothing”

“you are too cheerful”

“aise hi”

“k”

There was a long pause.

“u there?” I asked.

“yep m here” was the reply. He continued “Is the Nano clean?”

I was confused. “ wat Nano?”

“your nano dick. I thought you were going to pay me 25k’s. I was so prepared for It.”

“wat are you talking about?” I was not going to play into his hands this time.

“be a sport”

“kya bol raha hai tu?”

“Ha ha, ha, ha ha ha” it was a cruel(Mr. Mohit check d spelling I got it correct this time round) laugh

--------------------------------------------------------

It was the eve of the seventeenth day of the Kurukshetra war. The third supreme commender of Kaurava was decapitated by Arjuna and his body lied on the ground. The only unusual thing about this was Maharani Kuntidevi, mother of Pandava was weeping over the body of their Enemies supreme commander and the person who had insulted her daughter-in-law in front of the whole court. Yudhishtra questioned his mother why she was weeping on enemy body. The reply of kuntidevi revealed the truth of his birth (yes it’s Karna). The brothers were shocked to find that they had committed fratricide. Yudhishtira, in particular, was furious with his mother and laid a curse upon all women that they should never thereafter be able to keep a secret.

This makes me understand why women cannot keep a secret. But I could never understand why Scotty even after being born a guy couldn’t keep one. There was a history of him being babble mouth, and I knew he couldn’t keep anything, even of trivial things in his stomach. Could he keep the secret of me being gay? I could never trust him. He had thee proof of all the messages I’ve sent him. Something needed to be done, Desperately fast.

It was 6.30 in the evening. Scotty would be at my home by 9. What should I do? What could I do? I called duke

“Scotty’s coming home,Y don’t u join us?”

“ok no problems, I’d be there by say 8”

“cool” I said.

The problem of me having to do any intimate activity at my home with risk of being discovered by my parents was off. With duke there Scotty would not risk a thing.

duke reached home.

we were sitting in my bedroom chatting about football. We shared lots of pranks together, he was narrating the latest prank he played on some1. My mind was racing elsewhere.

“khi khi khi khi” I laughed on my own.

“U ok” he asked.

“Just remembered something”

“wats It”

“promise you won’t tell any1”

“am i scotty to do it?” Instant reply

“I told scotty i’m gay !”

“Y, are u”

“U think I am? arre I just wanted to find out if he’s gay. You know how close he’s with tiger.”

“is he?”

“na I don’t think so”

but u’d be amused by what he had to say about this.

i showed him all the messages.

it really looked as if i had tricked Scotty.

I don’t know If, Duke buy it. But I did my attempt to cover my ass!

when Scotty learned about this on coming home he was furious parr maine use mana lia! (I managed to convince him)

Later that night i learned the reason for tiger and Scotty being so happy. Tiger was going to Australia. I got happy too. But then suddenly my heart sunk low, I was going to lose Tiger forever. My fear materialised. Tiger did not call me even once. It was quarter of year since he left. I was getting sad. Sad is small word. I knew called others cause when he called some 1,i came to know about it. He called Scotty frequently.

-------------------------------------------------------

Around June 2010

The job was getting tougher, not because of responsibility but because of my site kept shifting away from my home and it was getting increasingly difficult to commute. The environment was also taking toll on my health and I was not satisfied with my work.

Scotty was a bit angry at me for my “prank” on him and did not call as frequently as he did before. Duke kept questioning my decision not to study further and Fartu was getting married (i know there is no connection of fartu getting married but i had to mention it, haven’t I?)

I love treaking i tell every 1 , but i never went trekking. we were going for the first trek Scotty, duke and I. On the eve of the day before duke pulled off. So it were just me and scotty.

My mobile was playing “tere naina”. It was hot and there was no electricity. There was just one bed and we wear lying on it shirtless.

Scotty moved his fingers on my shirtless back like he was trying to seduce me. I did the same. He asked me “are you gay”

“Na”

“k”

He continued moving his hand on my back.

“if u want to suck me,you can suck me” i said

“ok take of ur clothes” he asked me

“you want mine ,you take them off” I said

“if you want mine then you can hv mine too” he offered.

I started moving my hand on his stomach. Just above his shorts waistline. I was doing this i kept going lower a bit just to take micky out of him. As i was going lower for third time. he exhailed making his stomach go low and my hand instead of going over his shorts went in through the narrow opening created by him. My hand was on his dick. I got scared. A more stable me would have pulled off and laughed. But all I did was stroking his dick.

“I knew it, the day i saw u i doubted it” he said

He caught my hand and removed it from his shorts.

“M not gay” he said.

His hands were firm. And I knew he meant business.

It stated to rain. Testosterone was flowing through my body. I could not control my libido. I knelt down by his legs. He sensed what was coming.

“m not gay” this time it sounded more like pleading me not to. But the devil in me lowered his shorts, his dick did not agree with him. It was bulging his undies. I removed them

“don’t, i’m not gay, faggot” he sounded more and more angry. I thought he would kick me. But he dint. I kissed his cock. He whimpered.

he wanted it.

“whos d faggot now? Come on stop me ! Y r u not stoping me ? u want it bloody ! u want it !” I shouted

I sucked him. (now i know that you are not suppose to suck ,u just have to take it in mouth . FISH its so hard to explain !) he was not satisfied with the result. Nor was

                                                                         ***

Scotty was the only person in the trek group that I knew. So I was with him for much of the trekking. He did not let any opportunity go to insult or abuse me. He kept asking which guy in trek group I liked and whom I was planning to seduce.

I was putting a great fight with myself to not cry. We ate lunch on top of hill and ever body was relaxing a bit. I wandered to a far place to take a piss. I could hear somebody’s footstep behind me. I did not bother to look. I thought some1 from group came to take a piss.

Whack

My ass was hurt.

It was Scotty behind me with a stick.

whack

Another blow

My piss got stopped due to pain.

I quickly tried to zip pants.

Whack

this time it was between my legs on my balls. It hurt like hell.

I went on my knees.

“I need to pee, open your mouth cocksucker” he ordered.

I lay motionless, my head down.

I heard pissing sound.

Nothing fell on me. I looked up. Scotty was pissing in other direction.

“ get up cocksucker, others would be ready to move now. Move your ass.”

Whack. This time on my back.

This time we were moving downhill and this was more difficult.

On one occasion there was a deep valley and very narrow foothold. There were gaps in between and error would cost you your life. I crossed it with ease, but Scotty. He looked afraid; I laughed at him and gave my hand. He did not take it. He waited for the leader to come and help him.

we moved to railway tracks. Now it was just plain walk. Scotty kept abusing me. He even did not let others get out of ear shot.

“randi” (Prostitute) was the word that most hurt me.

while returning home I tried to catch a moving local and was almost killed. “Run out” was the word that person who pulled me used.

I resigned from my job. This was the worst decision i made in my life.

...

------------------------------------

D get together on weekends continued and with me having no job there was no reason not to attend them. Scotty was more and more abusive in each of the meetings. He would ask others in front of me why I was invited and who invited me.

I never understood Y I did not slap his face and Y for the matter of fact nobody took my side and stopped him.

even when Tiger was host and we were at his house every1 would giggle or even laugh heartily when Scotty insulted me. I always looked forward to tiger to rescue me. But that never came.

Insults went on and I just did NOT fight back.

It was as if I had no backbone, No self respect. I said nothing even when Scotty asked me in front of others to lick his dog’s balls.

I was at my wits ends. Can I call such people as my friends? Do you think they even are worth friendship? Y do I care for them? Y does tears flow of my eyes when I remember this? Y do and Y should I even be with them?

Am I destined to be like this? If yes then do I have the right to even marry a girl whose self respect would be broken with mine? If no then shuld I be with these guys and fight back for my lost respect? Or shuld I just forgive them and move on?

It not a small question, it’s about my future life. A wrong decision would make me regret it for my whole life coz I know there would be no looking back.

The final nail to coffin of our friendship was hit on the eve of Fartu’s marriage. Susie insulted me and I could see the twinkle in Scotty’s eyes. He enjoyed it. For the first time in my life i knew Y i kept my emotion under check. I did not want to ruin my friend’s wedding. Fatru was so happy. I said to myself THIS WAS THE LAST TIME I’D EVER TALK TO THESE GUYS.

this was the night i discovered some more truth about Scotty.

He was not virgin as he claimed to be. I could not understand the reason to keep it secret from me. Nor did I understand the reason for telling Tiger about me being gay.

I forgot to mention the night stay I had at Scotty’s house.

I had no intention of acting gay or getting involved in any sexual activity. But he grabbed my balls.

laid my head on his chest and when I got horny by his sweet talks, he said “ m not gay, but I’m ready to do this for you.”

He yanked my cock a couple of times and “if you really want to drink my cum, then you can suck my dick”

This time I had read enough to give a decent blowjob but he did not want a blowjob he wanted to fuck my face. Grab in me by my hair he made sure that he was in my throat choking me. I couldn’t take that much meat in me so he pushed me down to his feet to lick them. While sleeping he promised he won’t abuse me in public. And he also told me about him being virgin.

*________                                        Epilogue                                    _____*

I haven’t spoken to any of my friends since then, do you think I am right. No matter how much I smile, I’m always grieved at my heart. No matter how much I laugh at day, tears flood my eyes every night.

Does god exists? If so, can he see this? If he can, Y does he not intervene? Or does he want me to be like this? Every moment of happiness in my life is short-lived. Every moment of sadness lasts for eternity.

‘maula mere le le meri jaan”

Urs Ruchit pathak Engg.